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If your CEO sends this Memo, run don’t walk!

Apr 6, 2006

A copy of email to employees from the desk of the CEO.

As all of you may know, well, most of you,uh,some of you,ahh, a few of you,one or two of you, maybe me and daddy? Anyhow, I was at an investors' conference yesterday, and I must say, I encountered some very rude and tacky people while there. The nerve of those ungrateful oafs, thinking they should expect a return on their investment.The galling part, however, was that they were questioning me about why this company is running on about 2 cylinders. One huffy woman had the nerve to ask me if I was proud of the fact that our company had lost over 50% or some outlandish figure, of market share to our competitor. What a loaded question. What did she expect me to say, hell yes, and I'll be even more proud next year when we have lost an even higher share to them!!

Since investors are a little testy right now, and are threatening to hang me in effigy, and cut my 16 million dollar salary, I have to take some measures to cover my rear and try and put those howling wolves at ease.

I thank each of you for your loyalty and hard work. However, in order to cma (now you know where cdma (cover mine and daddy's ass) came from, I'm going to have to lay some of you hard working men and women off.I'm sure you can find jobs elsewhere. I hear McDonalds and Wendy's, along with Walmart are hiring. Our personnel department will give you the phone numbers of those places, plus a few others for you to call and ask if they are hiring.

In addition to laying a few thousand of you off, I am going to ask the management here at our good ole company to do a little belt tightening as well. In the future, senior management will not be served filet mignon in the executive dining room. Prime rib will have to suffice. Sorry fellows. Also, on business trips , all managers will have to share hotel rooms at the Westin. Managers will no longer manage employees on a ratio of four managers for every employee. We will assign one and a half employees to every four managers. (Hmmm,I hadn't thought about it, but I Guess that means managers will be managing some half-ass employees). Our engineering staff will figure out how to accomplish that. Further, Limos and corporate jets will no longer be used by the board of directors for transporting their pets to and from the groomers.

I know that I can count on all of you to do your part in these drastic times. Thus, I am going to ask all of you smokers who have to stand out on the sidewalk to take your smoke break, to take a handful of pencils and a tin cup with you to collect coins from pedestrians.
These will be passed out to all smokers on Monday morning. As an incentive, we will share 2% of the profits with you.The accounting and marketing dept. will make this their number one priority.

Also, all employees bringing their lunch to work with them will have to start paying a brown bagging fee, beginning Monday. The design dept, along with the Research and development dept. will make this a top priority, and all employees will be searched upon entering any building for lunchbags or lunch boxes.Our security dept, in conjunction with our engineering dept will devise a plan for carrying out this important quality control program. Any employee found smuggling or dealing in black market brown bag lunches will be terminated.

As your CEO, I feel these measures, which are like most visionary and cutting edge management plans I have instituted in the past, will turn our company around, and I will no longer be asked silly questions by irate investors.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Your CEO
[Secretary Stamps Signature here]

WooHoo ed by Brett Bumeter at 11:57 PM  

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