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May 29, 2006
Despite my better judgement, I decided to risk all and headed to the malicious castration capital of the world, North Carolina. I’ve been coming to North Carlina several times a year since my in laws moved here four or five years back. They have a house on a nuclear power plant heated lake. I never realized how dangerous the area was until this week when I read about a recent malicious castration in North Carlonia. A quick Google search revealed that the majority of the top 25 Google listings on the topic of ‘malicious castration’ all occurred in North Carolina(Try it yourself and see!).
My gut reaction was to say, “OK, enough is enough, I don’t need to take my chances in North Carolina.” But then we got half way into the Memoria Day weekend. We had a party, cleaned up the house went shopping, mowed the yard, washed the car, did some computer programming and it was only Saturday evening. We were board and I decided to put it on the line and head to the lake.
Now I’ve been to Vegas a few times, and when you go somewhere its always a gamble. You go to Vegas thinking, I’m willing to risk a couple hundred bucks, or a couple thousand bucks, or if you’ve got more money than I do, maybe several thousand, tens of thousands or more. You might even think to yourself, that if things go to hell in Vegas you might end up out on the town with a hooker on your arm and an ATM card that won’t stop and before you know it your out $20k. These are all possible scenarios. However, most people don’t think that if they go to North Carolina, they might come back minus half their nards and absent their manhood.
So I packed up the family and we hit the road last night. We got into Belmont, NC around 1am, and slept upstairs in my in laws bunk house (a converted two story shed, with the second story sporting a double bed and 2 single bunks). We’ve got three kids so my wife and I started in the double bed, but our three year old soon displaced me, and I ended up with a bunk that was about 8” to short for my average 6 foot body. I slept scrunched up on a shelf with memories of Kramer from Seinfeld renting his oversized dresser drawers to three travelling Japanese tourists.
We woke up in the morning, I jogged around Paradise Circle, Hit Easy Street, came back around to Paradise Circle and took off up to the Sunset Strip. I made it up to the main highway and then turned around and ran back again. Picked up my wife and two of the kids, and we walked the same route, this being my cool down. We got suited up and hit the lake for a quick swim.
Took severals break from writing, to take a swim in the lake with the kids. On and off drinking bear, rum and coke, whiskey sours and more bear. Played ‘Sequence’ and hung out with my 11 month old daughter while everyone crammed into the pontoon boat for a couple hour ride down to a warmer swim hole.
Finished the night after grilling brats and burgers, hanging out by the fire.
I traveled back from NC on Tuesday. The family jewels remained safe and fortunately for me North Carolina did not live up to the hype!
May 26, 2006
In early 2005, my wife's brother, my brother-in-law, discovered something missing from his life. He came to learn that a very important garment had disappeared. The garment in question was a fleece vest. Not just any fleece vest like you might find at Old Navy or Target.
No this fleece vest had come into his possession as a result of being an employee of a company named Cymer. The fleece vest even had the Cymer name and possibly a logo on it. Now in many companies coming across a company named fleece vest might require years of self sacrifice and loyalty. Some companies might even force their employees to run to a company store online or in reality. This was a gift and in late 2005 it came up missing.
My brother-in-law is a good sort, and very smart. Graduated from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology many years ago and will probably find a source of renewable energy before the decade is out. He's also moving to Australia soon, so it was very important that the vest be found and quickly.
I decided to lend my hand. Below are the results of my findings. . .
Report to my Brother-in-Law on my findings:
Existing Fleece Retention Device Patents
First, please beware. As you are looking to move to Australia soon, there is already a patent in place in Australia for a “Fleece Retention Device” (look in the attached pdf ‘Australian Official Journal of Patents (Supplement)). [Attached PDF not available in this article]
This is no joke, and I wouldn’t want you to become vicitim of some type of patent dispute if you attempt to patent such a device while intransit down under.
Second, please be doubly aware that the need for a “Fleece Retention Device” must be much greater down under which explains why some one has already gone to the trouble to patent such a device in Australia as opposed to the US where we are only just beginning to appreciate the need for Fleece Retention programs and devices to support those programs.
Third, if you open the attached document, and do a Ctrl F for “Fleece Retention Device” you’ll find the reference to the patent. You can also do a google search for Cymer Fleece Jacket, and go to result 12 to find the same journal or visit the site Pericles.ipaustralia.gov.au
If you really want to find your fleece jacket, continue reading. If you feel that the this discussion has already been carried too far, and have made arrangements already to purchase a new fleece jacket, disregard what follows.
Note 1.1. Fleece Retention should not be confused with Fleece Suspension which as everyone knows is a popular concept in Hittite mythology. This mythology has led to the Prosperity and Fertility rites whereby a sheep (w/ fleece) is suspended by a pole. See Hittite/Hurrian Mythology REF 1.2 by Christopher Siren, MIT alum email@example.com
Excerpt quoted from Christopher Siren's publication:
Telepinu(s) 'the noble god'
An agricultural god, he is the favorite and firstborn son of the Storm-god. He 'harrows and plows. He irrigates the fields and makes the crops grow.' (Gurney p. 113) He flies into a rage and storms off, losing himself in the steppe and becoming overcome with fatigue. With his departure, fertility of the land, crops and herds disappears and famine besets man and god. Hannahannas's bee finds him, stings his hands and feet, and wipes his eyes and feet with wax, purifying him. This further infuriates him, and he wrecks further havoc with the rivers and by shattering houses and windows. Eventually, the evil and malice is removed through magic by Kamrusepas, but not before Telepinus thunders with lightning. Telepinus returns home, restoring fertility and tending to the life and vitality of the royal family. His prosperity and fertility is symbolized by a pole suspending the fleece of a sheep. In other versions of this myth, the Storm-god or the Sun-god and several other gods are missing instead.
Note 1.2. Again the concept of Fleece Suspension is sometimes used as a reference to Stourbridge Borough(see 4th borough down), which has a close connection to the County of Worcester in England. Worcester also being a town in Massachusets an hour by train outside of Boston. The coat of arms depects a suspended fleece of a Sable. Below a bridge and two pairs. (This coat of arms is commonly know to reference the testes(pears) of a human male that failed to drop before birth, resulting in the appearance of a vagina(bridge). The sable is suspended below(blocking) the faux vagina to infer that the apparent vagina should not be used as a vagina as there are Pears (testes) on the other side of the bridge. Cat scratch fever being the apparent result of anyone that fails to head this warning.
Note 1.3. Analysis and Conclusion: After two loose and disassociated connections to MIT. I think its safe to say that its possible that the loss of said favorite fleece may be the result of a college fraternity prank. The clues are easily found on the web if you look at the Hittite mythology posting from a former MIT alum, and then the coat of arms from Stourbridge commonly associated with Worcester, which happens to be a town near Boston and MIT. As a former military analyst for the US government(famed for such miraculous intelligence gathering like that exhibited just prior to the recent Iraq war) I think its fairly safe to say that your fleece jacket has been stolen by MIT frat boys and left in Worcester suspended beneath a bridge that looks like a vagina and guarded by believers in Hittite mythology.
Hope that helps, and if you lose anything else, let me know if I can help.
May 25, 2006
Today, I was browsing through blog explosion and came upon The WaterCooler. There was this great article talking about how to bolster web traffic, where a friend had recommended the extravagant usage of porn related words haphazardly thrown in to articles to boost search results.
Very funny article, which in its discussion of the subject became an exploiter of the subject.
'Stare into the Subliminal'
So I played along with the comment below . . .
I was searching on Google for the video of Jennifer Love Hewitt playing 'elder scrolls IV' on the Xbox 360 while her 'wet hooters' dried. Your site came up in the top 3 and the other two sites were all spam.
So I'm here and can't find the video! WTF???
Well, I'm off to the 'free porn' convention. Jessica Alba is going to be a guest speaker this year discussing the merrits of 'naked boobs' v. 'totally naked' as key word listings in Presidential Poll results to be posted as controversial issues on Fox News. (Apparently Fox News wanted to downplay the 'Bill O'Reilly' diaper spanking video circulating the internet).
I'm hoping this years convention will be better than last years. When Madonna put on her slide show of 'rare orgy photos' everyone just bolted, it was kind of like, 'Well, we've all been there and done that, no point in living in the past.'
Don't Click on this: No Free Porn Here No XXX donkey shows either No Gary Coleman on Olson Twin Action here either
:) Thanks for Playing!
May 24, 2006
Jim Carrey self professed obsession with the number 23 (23 skidoo) has led him to an upcoming role in a new comedy. In the role he's said to play a dog catcher, which sounds like new territory for an actor that doesn't have much of a history playing comedies along side animals.
Should be interesting to see how much the long acclaimed 23 stirs up talk about the hundreds if not thousands of conspiracy theories. If you are unfamiliar with these theories a very funny book in its own right might be one of the first books to capture the popular culture of this theory (along with the Illimunati) back in the late 60's and put into novel form in the early 70's. See 'The Illiminatus Trilogy' by Robert Anton Wilson and Bob Shea.
Now if JC would only take on a Hagbard Celine role, that would be a movie worth seeing plus he'd get a chance to do another movie with a talking dolphin!
Jim Carrey, The Number 23 Obsessed Funnyman - Softpedia
People and Dogs aren't the only ones with weight problems!
Here's a feline fatty!
May 23, 2006
I was surfing through some blogs and came across Robert Driemeyer's blog on the comedy soap Box. Something in the blog today struck a nerve as he talked about Pat Robertson hearing the voice of God, but putting a disclaimer on the word of God. (note it was a May Posting, no way to permalink in to the original)
Here was my Comment and the start of a new Adventure
I realized that if Pat Robertson can misunderstand God, then in Pat's mind, God must have intended for Pat to have doubt about his beliefs in the word of God . . .
(ok I could go down an endless rant on this topic but will leave that one food for someone else to fodder with)
I was really thinking that Pat had a source, God. So God must have sources too!
I suppose it had better be a damn good source or else God may impose his wrath, which few people realize is none other than Parker Posey.
Now I like the wrath of god as much as the next guy, and for whatever crazy reason I even liked the wrath of god in 'Party Girl' which got played a few too many times on HBO.
Anyway this all got me to thinking about MySpace.
I've never been to myspace, but thought that if Pat's hearing the word of God, maybe I should check it out before its too late.
So I went to MySpace and was confronted with the requirement to sign up for an account.
I was feeling a little froggy, (spotted tree frog), but that has nothing to do with my story.
My great grandparents were followers of Luther and road the boat out of Germany to escape tyrades there and all so I have continued the evolution and feel that not only can your average person find their beliefs in a book but they can also make them up in their head.
So I did, and now I am My God, so to speak.
Now, let me state for the record that My God has no wrath and if My God did it wouldn't be Parker Posey! She's a sweet actress, but I don't take responsibility for her by God.
So I have an account and I have to figure out what to do with it. As a starter I had to come up with a URL.
Much to My God's chagrine, someone had already taken the obvious and www.myspace.com/mygod was not available. So I tried myspace.com/TheOneandOnlyTrueGod and sure enough that was spoken for as well.
Jesus H Christ! How many one and only true gods can there be on MySpace!
So finally I had to settle on www.myspace.com/oneandonlytruegod, which I'm sure is kind of like giving the finger to the poor schmuck of a god that chose to put the word 'The' in their URL.
So now MyGod has Myspace, and no one need fear the wrath of MyGod and I can promise everyone that MyGod will not talk to Pat Robertson.
Even if MyGod did speak to Pat, he wouldn't tell him that a Tsunami was going to hit the coast of the US, but he might say, "Hey Pat, don't you think its time to take a golfing trip on the coast of Florida?"
May 13, 2006
Scrambling through Blogmad this afternoon, catching up and scoping out some new and interesting blogs, and I came across these little mother Suckers.
All of my children had the benefit of the boob, and I found this rather amusing on several levels.
Hope you Likey too. Happy Mother's Day!
Ivoryfrog Designs: Mother Sucker Designs
May 12, 2006
I saw this as I was surfing Blogmad.
I came across Isle of Man Candy.
I started to read an article while scrolling down, I stopped reading and completely forgot what the topic was about when I saw this picture of a slightly, rotund canine. I've never even thought about canine lyposuction before, but the thought crossed my mind as I looked at this poor pooch. :(
May 9, 2006
Scientists have identified that Dolphins receive and learn unique whistle patterns that function as unique personal identifiers. These whistle patterns are associated with individual dolphins and can be recognized by other dolphins regardless of which dolphin is whistling - talking.
"Sounds specific to individuals are much more unusual. Some birds develop song types that can identify individuals, but only humans were thought to use true 'names'."
So it follows that if Dolphins have name associations for themselves it could be possible that they have name associations for other things such as fish, or food, or 'great big boat coming right at you', or 'don't listen to Sheila she swam too close to a nuclear submarine sonar last week and is still out of it' or 'Hagbard Celine, never heard of the bloke!'
Dolphins' whistle their undersea ID