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Get one of those reminder Toilet Seat Covers

Jun 30, 2006

This might solve both the problem with your brother and help train your cat . . .

Original reference at Kelly Shannon's Blog on Comedy SoapBox

Freedom for Apes in Spain

Jun 28, 2006

Spain is declaring rights to life and freedom for great Apes. This is thought to be the first time any government has extended such rights to non-humans.

The Spanish Parliamen is hoping to recognize our closest relatives genetically speaking, and bring them into a 'community of equals.'

Some would ask what about the bulls? Spain long known for bull fights and in animal activist circles for allowing bull fights, the killing of bulls and the running of bulls through the streets, where they might slip and fall on human pools of blood, urine and spilt beer. They find this a step in the right direction, but don't want people to loose sight of the bulls.

Others feel that Spain missed the boat on this ruling by selecting the great apes as opposed to the chimpanzees, thought to be closer genetically speaking, depsite their smaller stature. Politicians are quick to point out that a 'Great Ape Project' sounds far better than a 'Cute Chimp Project.' Its also less macho.

Some people have raised fears that extending these rights to the Great Apes could result in a society where an unbalance of power among the species of humanoids might result in a global war. Their opponents claim that this is bigotted talk rising out of unreasonable fears of inter-specie breading.

Demanding rights for great apes - Yahoo! News

Outsourcing Comedy to India

Jun 24, 2006

After reading the World is Flat, I'm becoming more and more convinced that Comedy should be Outsourced to India. here is a graphic to support my position, more detailed explanation of the scenario is available at Brett Bumeter's Comedy SoapBox Blog ( in the June Postings).

Something Stinks in Miami

Jun 23, 2006

Strange things have just happened in Miami and something doesn't smell right.

For anyone that has been watching the last 24 hours worth of news on TV and online, there are some peculiar reports coming out about this months terrorist crop.

To say that this group doesn't seem to fit the mold is a bit of an understatement. Most of them claim not to be Muslim in fact 5 of them claim to belong to a Christian religious group in Miami called the Sons of David. Several of the men sold 'Shampoo and Hair Grease on the streets of Miami' and a few others did some construction work. The seven people arrested are black, some are African American and dome are from Haiti. How much of a threat can hair grease salesmen really be?

Reports would have us believe that they belonged to the same karate dojo or club. Reports would have us believe that they are the quiet watchful type. Standing around outside like 'they were keeping guard' and looking tough.

An FBI informant approached one or more members of the group and talked to them. During this 'talk' one or more of the members intimated that they'd like to blow up the Sears Tower.

No Plans nor Explosives

None of the individuals through reports so far have been found to have any bomb making materials or anything else that might damage the Sears Tower other than a strong karate chop.

No one in the group had any plans put together on how this group of seven might take down the building. None of the members were entertaining the idea of flight school.

However, one member of the group of seven had been arrested in Chicago on a misdemeanor charge in 1993. Ooooohhhh! Watch Out, move over Bin Laden!

Only one of them is thought to have plotted (maybe in his head or something) to destroy the 110 story building according to Attorney General Gonzalez. What exactly does that mean? The other 6 guys are guilty of having a loud mouth and extremely stupid buddy? Gonzalez also stated that the group had no immediate plans to blow up the building. Ok, we're all shivering in our boots. What was this on their 10 year plan or something. No plans, no knowledge, ability or materials. Its kind of like a crazy person begging for money on a street corner, and telling you that he'll pay you back after he robs Fort Knox.

The FBI informant led the defendants to believe that he was a member of Al Qaeda himself, which led to their disclosure that they wanted to do something even worse than Bin Laden's 2001 attack. Result: The FBI working in a multi jurisdiction task force appears to have arrested some really stupid badass braggarts.

Turning over Every Stone

Now I'm all for the government turning over every stone to identify potential terrorists provided certain things happen:

1. The government should not break the law,

2. The government should not throw out the constitution

    This includes spying on Americans without warrants,
  • listening in on American phone calls without warrants,

  • monitoring what websites Americans are visiting without warrants,

  • looking at millions of Americans phone bills without warrants,

  • and maybe even tracking bank records outside of the rules already established to allow the government to track banking records.

3. The government should not lie to the American people about what they are doing.

It would appear that the government has failed on all these points. Revelations about acts that the government has engaged in that harm the constitution and our country come out left and right.

So What is going on in Miami?

So we have a group of African Americans and Haitians arrested for plotting to take out the Sears Tower even though they appear not to have the competency, funding, training or resources to do it.

All we seem to have is an informant that is telling us that they said they wanted to do it.

Now, in middle USA when a bubba does something like this, I mean shoot off at the mouth, they go to jail. I'm not saying that these guys should not go to jail. I'm just saying its not any bigger of a deal than it really is.

Anyone that says they want to blow up a building that is not in demolition and does not have a license to blow up said building, has to either be really stupid or have bad intentions, and under either circumstances they should probably be locked up.

What's really got me irked is that this appears to be a whole lot of fuss about nothing. Sure try me, find out if their guilty or not, if they are send them to jail, but lets face it we as a country have bigger problems right now.

We've got a war in Afghanistan and Iraq, and two potential knock down, drag out, nuke them out of existence show downs with Iraq and bossom buddy North Korea.

BBC NEWS | Science/Nature | Front garden yields ancient tools

Jun 21, 2006

I'm facinated by archaeology and history. These sciences help us understand where we came from and possibly help provide us insights into where we are going. If we're really smart, maybe even a lesson or two about how to avoid mistakes along the way.

The BBC is reporting today that handheld tools found in a sandy area that probably was a riverbed 250,000 years ago yielded a 307mm (1 foot long) hand axe created by Neanderthals.

The tool is complicated enough in design, which requires forethought, and construction, which would require communication of technique, that science has gained more understanding about how much more intelligent this earlier form of human was in comparison to some of our previous theories.

Science has to start out without making any assumptions about the subject of their study. They have a fossil record that indicates an evolution of hominids into modern day humans. They know that we are intelligent today. Science is still learning just how intelligent chimpanzees and other creatures are, but they do not know how intelligent hominids in between humans and chimpanzees might have been without looking at the construction of their habitats, tools, and lifestyles.

The search for intelligence on our planet is starting to evolve from a search to prove the level to a search to understand and interpret the intelligence that is there. There are raging debates over the intelligence of chimpanzees that can communicate with sign language, as well as create and use their own tools for various tasks, all of which in earlier days were qualifications for intelligence. Similarlly, whales and dolphins have been studied and recent research indicates that they not only communicate, but they very possibly have given each other names.

More and more the search for intelligence seems to be not a search for intelligent life forms on our planet, but an education for ourselves, teaching us how to understand the intelligence that has been present and around us all along.

Many cultures have practiced animistic religions, some of which would put a god or spirit like figure into an inanimate object and soem religions that would give an intelligent spirit to that of animals. Removing the religious pretexts from this scenario, and looking at what is left shows us that in some basic ways, people have understood that other animals and even objects possess some form of intelligence.

Physics is moving closer and closer towards a point where what appears to be inanimate objects posses some form of interactivity with the animate. As Einstein's theories would suggest, there must be some relationship between the mass and energy associated with objects not only by themselves but in a group of other objects, which would include rocks, animals and people not to mention the planet and solar system and beyond.

Science appears to be bringing back information showing a more and more consistent relationship between the disciplines pointing towards a common theme. We are all connected.

BBC NEWS Science/Nature Front garden yields ancient tools:

"'To my mind, this helps prove that these people were not so far away from us as some would think and also that they were probably using language.' "

Presidential Virgins for Zarqawi |Coulter Connection

Jun 13, 2006

I found this great set of pictures on a joke at Above is a sample for the whole series check out Presidential Virgins for Zarqawi (will have to scroll down a bit on destination blog until I can get a better link from them.))

Spontaneous Bovine Combustion and Mad Cow Disease

Spontaneous Mad Cow disease

Numerous reports today indicate that two cases of mad cow disease in the US may be the result of a new form of Spontaneous Mad Cow Disease (as opposed to the viral transmission of Mad Cow Disease or the premeditated transmission of Mad Cow Disease).

Scientists however have found a silver lining in this new development and are working to combine the manifestation of this disease with a less well known Bovine virus. They are working towards the goal of combining the genetic traits associated with Spontaneous Mad Cow Disease and Spontaneous Bovine Combustion. Their hope is that when a cow gets mad enough it will spontaneously combust, thus resulting in a massive release of energy and frying up some great steaks at the same time.

Spontaneous Bovine Combustion


  • Saves Energy Costs

    • Natural Gas
    • Propane
    • heating Costs
  • Burning cows are great home heating alternatives
  • Reduces costs of Meat
  • No need to pay Mexican Immigrants to work in meat packing plants
  • Re-Establishes the need for Cattle runs

Cow boys from Texas can herd cattle straight to your city, town suburb, home owners association, five story walk up or back door. All this extra work for Cowboys, compliments the Bush administrations attempts to prevent Gay Marriage. Gainfully employed cowboys that are working hard will have less time to become distracted in hot and wild gay sex. Everybody knows that hardworking cowboys don't have time for gay marriage.


Spontaneous Bovine Combustion has been occurring for a millenia and fossil records indicate that this could even be one of the triggers that enabled man to harness the power of fire originally. However, it has always been very sporadic and difficult to control both in its ignition and in its prevention.

Scientists working to combine this trait in Hereford Cattle. Hereford Cattle are more likely to exhibit traits of spontaneous bovine combustion. This breed of cattle was known to weather many 'super freezes' in the 1800's, in part due to the spontaneous combustion of individual cows and bulls. The remainder of the herd would then huddle around the burning bovine which would not only prevent the herd from freezing, but would also melt enough snow such that the herd could reach the grass below the snow line and eat. Spontaneous Bovine Combustion became a survival trait reinforced in this line especially.

Politics makes Strange Bed Fellows

The Scientific community is getting support from many areas. In a turn of events, the White House has come out promoting the genetic testing and experimentation on the nations cattle population. There public spin points primarily at the benefits of decreases in demand for Gay Cowby Marriage in Texas.

In a strange turn of events, Vegan Nazi's have lined up supporting the Bush Administration and the support almost appears to be reciprocal even if unofficially reciprocal. Vegan Nazi's political goal is to push for the extinction of all cows. Their hope is that cow extinction will force people to stop eating cows and turn to veganism thus enabling the creation of a Uber race. Their views don't align with normal vegans, but the this is not always obvious.

Sunflower Schleisinger, President of Vegan Nazi's, has risen to a position of prominence both in this movement and some say also in unofficial capacities in the White House. Ms. Schleisinger is a first generation daughter of German Emigrants. Her parents moved to the US in the early 60's settling in the San Francisco area.

Its recently been disclosed that her father, Ricardo Schleisinger, deceased, was none other than Adolf Eichmann, who had been hidden by the CIA after his discovery by the Israeli Massoud in Argentina, under the pseudonym, Ricardo Clement or Ricardo Clemens. The CIA worked to protect his identity for fear of his potential exposure of ongoing cold war operations in East Germany and the Soviet Union.

In San Francisco he and his wife and daughter moved around from one commune to another. Ultimately founding their own commune that hoped to create a super human through comunal living, exercise, a vegan diet and an Escalation of the Eschaton in 10/23/2006, a reference to Eschatology, a theology associated with the ultimate destiny of human kind but more commonly phrased as the end of the world..

Sunflower Schleisinger is probably most notorious for her portrayal of a Nazi Dominatrix in Captive Women SS(left), a Nazi Softporn movie by Director Sergio Garrone.

Official Response

During a Press Conference today, Tony Snow responded that the President's administration did support the cause of the Vegan Nazi's. On Follow up, he would only respond in regards to questions about a Republican administration associating itself with a faction of Nazi's with the comment, "I think I've already answered that question."

From Crawford

In Crawford however, one reporter received information from sources high in the administration that the President was the 'decider' except when Sunflower was present. She would dress in thigh-high leather boots(and little else), cracking a whip munching on a soy burger and shoving her six inch heel in the back of the President's throat. Then most decidedly the President had been overheard to respond, "Oh Jesus, Yur the decider, Yur the decider!"

Other Spontaneous Combustion Foods

Finally, Scientist's are investigating the benefits of encouraging spontaneous combustion in other animals. As a potential deterrent to bird flu, scientists are agressively performing early trials with chickens and ducks.

Win Hon Leam, MD and researcher for the World Organization of Health (WHOoH pronounced WoAH!) stated in a press converence in Malaysia last week that the world needs to stay one step ahead of the bird flu. Currently the bird flu is not capable of transmitting from bird to bird nor from bird to human as it passes through flames. Its only logical that the WOoH would consider pushing forward with research that would create a natural fire barrier between birds, other birds or even humans.

Many Governments are engaged in a race to achieve a combustable bird deterrent. Chinese officials have denied that they have already successfully bread ducks that will combust. The North Korean government has acknowledged that they have successfully achieved this result with beagle puppies. When asked why they would create a spontaneously combustible beagle puppy, they responded that they did it because they could. Ahead of all others, the United Kingdom seems to be closest to achieving this goal if its not complete already.

It appears that they have achieved this as more and more reports confirm the secret Phoenix Chicken Paper that surfaced on the internet more than 3 months ago may indeed be true(right image depicts a Phoenix bantam hen).

There are reports of US Corporate interests working on several projects but no confirmed reports as of yet despite an increase in public ad campaigns.

British Troops Field Testing LSD

Jun 10, 2006

Keanu Reeves and Isaac Newton is there a Resemblance?

Jun 8, 2006

Is there some kind of resemblance between Keanu Reeves and that picture of Isaac Newton?

Add about 20 years of nose growth and those forehead bags from thinking too much and could they be distant relatives?

You know before Keanu let himself go a little bit?

I was catching up with Robert Driemeyer's blog today and there was something haunting me about that Isaac Newton picture. Keanu hasn't come into that 17th century nose yet, and may never but there was some kind of similarity . . .

Implants to Heighten the Senses at Comedy SoapBox

Before I lose the Goof . . . Implants to heighten the Senses

To see the rest just take . . . more . . .

Contract Marriage Set Up to Screw Women - Well Duh!

Jun 7, 2006

Ok, Robert Driemeyer's blog routinely inspires me. I'd written about the Gay Marriage Ban a couple times this week, even wrote a letter to my Senator Saxby Chambliss, plus John McCain and Lou Dobbs. see:
Is Lou Dobbs Reading My Blog?
Senator Saxby Chambliss' Response to my Letter
Bush Rallies Support For Democrats in 2006

But I didn't have that Aha moment until I responded to Robert's Blog at The Comdey Soap Box. Check out his article Nice to See Everything Works Itself Out

I have to keep track of my own diatribes and so here is my response:

I thought I agreed with your view on Gay marriage. If someone wants to get married great, who cares what sex either partner is, gives, has, wants, eats, feels, dreams of or gets off on. If it doesn't hurt me or the children, who cares. Afterall its all about the kids . . .

Then I thought back and remembered, contract marriage was established such that men could assume property rights from women upon the execution of the marriage whether the property came from a dowry or from the latest hot young widow to enter the singles scene in the 1890's.

A marriage contract was basically set up to oppress women!

From this perspective, I can understand exactly where Bush is coming from half of the time. There are no women to be oppressed when two gay men marry. They could oppress the hell out of each other with a regular old contract, but they want a marriage contract and not a partnership contract to exchange property rights with.
So Bush is unhappy, no women getting themselves Oppressed!

Following this line of logic, when to gay women marry, Bush should be happy.

Not heterosexual men, we don't want gay women getting married for sexual reasons. We don't give a rats ass about 'the sanctity of the family', we just want more available lesbians for our fantasies.

When I was growing up, we didn't read Penthouse letters or Oui! to read about a happily married lesbian couple. We read it to here about hot and steamy lesbian sex, which ultimately ended up with a personal invitation for us to join in hot steamy lesbian fun. All heterosexual men deep down inside know that a lesbian fantasy is never complete until the lesbians beg you(the hetero man) to join in and help them out with the obvious.

Anyway back on point, if two gay women marry, there are no women to opress. This can't make Bush happy! :(

What Bush's wee little brain can't fathom is that in a gay lady marriage, there's actually twice the opportunity for women to be oppressed. Now if Bush were a little smarter, he'd figure that out. But that's not going to happen anytime soon. Everyone on capital hill knew this a long time ago, and that's why everyone was so pessimistic about the bill and the Constitutional Amendment going no where.

They figured out what Bush couldn't. Gay marriage has the potential to oppress more women, so they didn't vote to ban it. Not because they are against the idea of a ban, Congress voted it down in the Senate because they too like Bush want to oppress more women. If this weren't true, the Equal Rights Amendment would have been put back through and sent around for ratification again. They disagreed with Bush not because they stand on a higher moral ground, but instead because they realize he's an idiot (fool on a good day) and that his plan to ban gay marriage would backfire and decrease the number of oppressed women.

There is no truth to the rumor that the males in the Senate did this to impress Cheney's daughter hoping for a crack at the realization of their own lesbian fantasy.

What's A SkyMile Worth These Days?

I got an e-mail offer from Delta today.
• Spend $500 dining out and get 5,000 Delta Skymiles!
• Do this by June 30th!
• Oh, and the program has been running since April 15th.
Head slap!, thanks for the early notice Delta.
here's the link in case you are curious registerbonus

After I got over the stinging sensation on my forehead, I started to think about it.

Just what would I do with 5,000 skymiles anyway? I already have about 80,000 Skymiles and have never been able to use them.

I signed up for my Skymiles account when I entered the super corporate world about 6 years ago. I got a new Amex (10k bonus miles) bought a nextel phone (10k bonus miles) and flew to my brother-in-law's wedding in hawaii with my wife and 2 year old son.

mental head slap at the the thought of the flight!

I had done the research and new that some schmuck (David Phillips, who may not really be a schmuck) somewhere had bought a few pallets of pudding and earned a few million Skymiles and could now travel the world at leisure. index.html

(1) I love chocolate pudding.
(2) I always wanted to travel around the world.
(3) Go sign up for skymiles!

I talked with a friend of mine last week. Her husband gave her mother and family skymiles to fly to the middle of nowhere Idaho, to see a beloved relative there. Very nice gesture.
Problem is that its theoretically possible to get plane tickets with Delta to go to and from somewhere for 25,000 Skymiles. For Podunk Idaho, apparently the cost was 50,000 Skymiles each. The Gesture ended up costing about 200,000 skymiles.

SkyMiles aren’t what they used to be.

And its no wonder with Delta going through severe financial hard times and getting Government bail outs in the Billions of dollars (as opposed to Trillions of Skymile's) Delta has never offered the Pudding for skymiles option again and so I'm not a globe trotter yet.

I am descended from Trotter's. My great grandmother's maiden name was Ethel Trotter.

So I came to the same conclusion I always reach when I get a new Skymile offering, 'well that sounds nice dearie, but its really pretty worthless, and getting worth less every day!'

Servers for Blogger were Hossed Up Today

The servers for Blogger were hossed up today. Everybody and their blogging brother was complaining.

Here was my steam release on the help group for blogger:

I think support has been shifted from blogger to online spreadsheets from Google.

Online spreadsheets are a much more useful tool than a blog. I personally don't intend to maintain any of my blogs any more

(Ruthless Plug follows)

Ok so I won't list them all.

Anyway spreadsheets are much more important.

I'm going to stop blogging and stard (mis-spelled in discussion group comment - shame shame on me for 'Hossing Up' my Rant) spreadsheeting immediately.

You've got to go with the flow people. If there are gremlins in the servers for blogger then go add up some numbers, sort alphabetically, maybe even try an online pivot table or lookup with an online spreadsheet.

Too many of us quit our day jobs as accountants and started blogging.

This is just Google's wake up call to get us back to work!


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