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Spontaneous Bovine Combustion and Mad Cow Disease

Jun 13, 2006

Spontaneous Mad Cow disease

Numerous reports today indicate that two cases of mad cow disease in the US may be the result of a new form of Spontaneous Mad Cow Disease (as opposed to the viral transmission of Mad Cow Disease or the premeditated transmission of Mad Cow Disease).

Scientists however have found a silver lining in this new development and are working to combine the manifestation of this disease with a less well known Bovine virus. They are working towards the goal of combining the genetic traits associated with Spontaneous Mad Cow Disease and Spontaneous Bovine Combustion. Their hope is that when a cow gets mad enough it will spontaneously combust, thus resulting in a massive release of energy and frying up some great steaks at the same time.

Spontaneous Bovine Combustion


  • Saves Energy Costs

    • Natural Gas
    • Propane
    • heating Costs
  • Burning cows are great home heating alternatives
  • Reduces costs of Meat
  • No need to pay Mexican Immigrants to work in meat packing plants
  • Re-Establishes the need for Cattle runs

Cow boys from Texas can herd cattle straight to your city, town suburb, home owners association, five story walk up or back door. All this extra work for Cowboys, compliments the Bush administrations attempts to prevent Gay Marriage. Gainfully employed cowboys that are working hard will have less time to become distracted in hot and wild gay sex. Everybody knows that hardworking cowboys don't have time for gay marriage.


Spontaneous Bovine Combustion has been occurring for a millenia and fossil records indicate that this could even be one of the triggers that enabled man to harness the power of fire originally. However, it has always been very sporadic and difficult to control both in its ignition and in its prevention.

Scientists working to combine this trait in Hereford Cattle. Hereford Cattle are more likely to exhibit traits of spontaneous bovine combustion. This breed of cattle was known to weather many 'super freezes' in the 1800's, in part due to the spontaneous combustion of individual cows and bulls. The remainder of the herd would then huddle around the burning bovine which would not only prevent the herd from freezing, but would also melt enough snow such that the herd could reach the grass below the snow line and eat. Spontaneous Bovine Combustion became a survival trait reinforced in this line especially.

Politics makes Strange Bed Fellows

The Scientific community is getting support from many areas. In a turn of events, the White House has come out promoting the genetic testing and experimentation on the nations cattle population. There public spin points primarily at the benefits of decreases in demand for Gay Cowby Marriage in Texas.

In a strange turn of events, Vegan Nazi's have lined up supporting the Bush Administration and the support almost appears to be reciprocal even if unofficially reciprocal. Vegan Nazi's political goal is to push for the extinction of all cows. Their hope is that cow extinction will force people to stop eating cows and turn to veganism thus enabling the creation of a Uber race. Their views don't align with normal vegans, but the this is not always obvious.

Sunflower Schleisinger, President of Vegan Nazi's, has risen to a position of prominence both in this movement and some say also in unofficial capacities in the White House. Ms. Schleisinger is a first generation daughter of German Emigrants. Her parents moved to the US in the early 60's settling in the San Francisco area.

Its recently been disclosed that her father, Ricardo Schleisinger, deceased, was none other than Adolf Eichmann, who had been hidden by the CIA after his discovery by the Israeli Massoud in Argentina, under the pseudonym, Ricardo Clement or Ricardo Clemens. The CIA worked to protect his identity for fear of his potential exposure of ongoing cold war operations in East Germany and the Soviet Union.

In San Francisco he and his wife and daughter moved around from one commune to another. Ultimately founding their own commune that hoped to create a super human through comunal living, exercise, a vegan diet and an Escalation of the Eschaton in 10/23/2006, a reference to Eschatology, a theology associated with the ultimate destiny of human kind but more commonly phrased as the end of the world..

Sunflower Schleisinger is probably most notorious for her portrayal of a Nazi Dominatrix in Captive Women SS(left), a Nazi Softporn movie by Director Sergio Garrone.

Official Response

During a Press Conference today, Tony Snow responded that the President's administration did support the cause of the Vegan Nazi's. On Follow up, he would only respond in regards to questions about a Republican administration associating itself with a faction of Nazi's with the comment, "I think I've already answered that question."

From Crawford

In Crawford however, one reporter received information from sources high in the administration that the President was the 'decider' except when Sunflower was present. She would dress in thigh-high leather boots(and little else), cracking a whip munching on a soy burger and shoving her six inch heel in the back of the President's throat. Then most decidedly the President had been overheard to respond, "Oh Jesus, Yur the decider, Yur the decider!"

Other Spontaneous Combustion Foods

Finally, Scientist's are investigating the benefits of encouraging spontaneous combustion in other animals. As a potential deterrent to bird flu, scientists are agressively performing early trials with chickens and ducks.

Win Hon Leam, MD and researcher for the World Organization of Health (WHOoH pronounced WoAH!) stated in a press converence in Malaysia last week that the world needs to stay one step ahead of the bird flu. Currently the bird flu is not capable of transmitting from bird to bird nor from bird to human as it passes through flames. Its only logical that the WOoH would consider pushing forward with research that would create a natural fire barrier between birds, other birds or even humans.

Many Governments are engaged in a race to achieve a combustable bird deterrent. Chinese officials have denied that they have already successfully bread ducks that will combust. The North Korean government has acknowledged that they have successfully achieved this result with beagle puppies. When asked why they would create a spontaneously combustible beagle puppy, they responded that they did it because they could. Ahead of all others, the United Kingdom seems to be closest to achieving this goal if its not complete already.

It appears that they have achieved this as more and more reports confirm the secret Phoenix Chicken Paper that surfaced on the internet more than 3 months ago may indeed be true(right image depicts a Phoenix bantam hen).

There are reports of US Corporate interests working on several projects but no confirmed reports as of yet despite an increase in public ad campaigns.

WooHoo ed by Brett Bumeter at 12:24 AM  

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