OK, just the other day, we were discussing the things at Utterz that we don't discuss online. Well, I have to gripe for a minute about something that I would not normally gripe about online.



You see, I've grown a third testicle and its a bit of a problem.



It all started last Sunday. We took the kids to a ranch where you drive through and they see a bunch of animals, feeding them small buckets of food as you go.

There were ostriches and emus and water buffaloes and cows and deer and pot bellied pigs, a rhinoceros and a half dozen giraffes.

The kids had a great time and I did too, but there was also another critter there that has resulted in my gripe.

I'm not sure if it was a mosquito or a spider, although I'd guess a spider. But the damn thing bit me.

The little bugger got me on the side of my hip, right on the belt line and it was a minor bite.



Didn't really bug me at all. Until the next day.



About 24 hours later it swelled up a bit, turned red and I scratched it a time or two which was a mistake.



The bite must have gotten infected from that and before you know it, I have a lymph node about 2 inches north of my groin swollen up.



So I start taking antibiotics for the infection and aspirin/ibuprofen for the inflamation and swelling. The infection seems to be gone, and I'm mostly back to normal, but the damn lymph node is still a little swollen and sensitive.



It kind of feels like a testicle that has been kicked about 5 minutes after the worst of the pain has resided. Its that after-pain of a testicle kick that I'm feeling. It gets worse if I bend over or lift anything, it gets better when I sleep and worse if I walk, run, jump or climb a tree (which I've had to do a couple times this week for the kids.)



So that's my gripe. Lots of people think that having testicles is the greatest thing in the world. Well, I'll have you know that having testicles is not always all that and a bag of chips.



The damn things can get in the way, get pinched, kicked, itchy, sweaty or even sat on at the most inconvenient times. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be lining up for cosmetic surgery to get rid of them anytime soon, probably not ever, but lets just say they are not my most favorite body part.



But now I feel like I have just inherited an extra one. People often joke that two tits on a board would be pretty worthless, or is it tits on a boar? My hearing has never been great and I've never been two sure about that saying, but I think either way it gets the point across.

Anyway, my point is that the only thing more worthless than two tits on a board, has got to be two or three testicles on a board. Now, with tits on a board, I'm sure there is some freak out there that could find a use for it, probably even sell it on ebay. But I don't think you are going to get very many eBay bids if you run an auction for two testicles on a board.



Then again, it might make a nice parting gift for a woman that has just gone through an ugly divorce. Maybe put the testicles in the middle of a corky board, like a dart board, and then give her some darts and . . . .

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