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Red Neck Nerd: Air Hunting

Feb 7, 2007

Many people have heard all the red neck jokes they will ever need to hear thanks to Jeff Foxworthy, he's made the topic an industry and a very funny one.

Not too many people have explored the niche industry of the Nerd Red Neck.  I am referring to that odd twisted soul of the south or the country or maybe even the hills that is all red neck but also all nerd.  Its almost a contradictory combination, you might call it an oxymoron, but your average read neck doesn't know an oxymoron from a moron making love to an ox.  Your average nerdy redneck does!

So here is an example

A nerdy redneck will work on a computer, but take regular brakes to run around the house chasing their pet dogs with a can of air.  The game commences when he gets tired of typing with 2 fingers and notices a booger stuck in between hi letter f and letter U.  The g, h, y keys are all missing and its a pretty big booger.

But being the nerd he is, he goes for his can of air.

Now I know what you are thinking, if he's a red neck why isn't he using a compressor to blow off his computer, especially if the booger is big enough to fill in the gap of three missing keys!

The answer is obvious, the compressor is broken, or actually under repair in the living room, the compressor motor is sitting on the kitchen table.

I also know what your second question is.  What type of redneck nerd goes to the store to buy cans of air?

Well, the answer is no type, or more precisely, they don't.  They save up almost empty cans of WD-40.  When all the oil is gone but there is still some CO2 left in the can, its just blowing air . . .  mostly.

So our hero reaches for his almost empty can of WD-40 to blow the booger out of his ghy key hole, and he fires away.  The booger goes sailing and hits one of his hound dogs in the ass.  The hound dog yelps and starts biting at its ass, thinking a flea just bit him.

But the poor hound actually bites into a large booger, that sticks to the poor dogs mouth so that it starts chomping its gums (no teeth in this dog) like it was just given a spoon full of crunchy peanut butter. 

Who knows what was in that booger, maybe it is peanut butter?

The chattering of a gummy hound dog with peanut butter boogers sticking to the roof of its mouth, is enough to annoy our hero, so he yells at the dog to shut the hell up!

The dog being toothless and deaf doesn't hear.

So our hero grabs the can of WD-Air and sneaks up on the blind hound and sprays the dog in the ass with the air.

The dog yelps again, but knows that wasn't a flea and starts to make a run for it.  Now our hero the nerdy red neck, is getting a little excited, he sprays the other hound lying a little further away.  Same reaction and now there are two dogs in play.

he goes from hound to hound until all 6 dogs are running around the house, howling, barking and snarling at each other as they run into each other.  The blind dog runs right into the leg of the dining room table and knocks the compressor motor off.  It hits two old monitors stacked next to each other that our hero had hope to scrap some wiring out of to make something special for his sweet heart on valentines day.

Our hero chases all the dogs from room to room and through the front yard (no front door), until the WD-Air can is completely empty, and that is that!

WooHoo ed by Brett Bumeter at 4:48 AM  

3 Gabbles(comments):

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6000 said...
7:55 AM  

Seriously, what's a female red neck? A floozie? Red neck seems to refer the MEN who come from my neck of the woods. I've been called floozie and hussy all my life but not red neck. They called me floozie because they thought I had no morals. My biography RUTHIE BLACK (

8:01 PM  

Great point, I'm thinking Floozie is probably the most descriptive, but it might have something to do with whether or not you are trying to steal someone else's man (presumably a redneck) or if you are thinking about fooling around on your old man (definitely a red neck if you refer to him as your 'old man')

From my upbringing a hussy is someone that is out hustling on someone else's man. While a floozie is thinking about, flirting a lot or fooling around on their ol' man.

I may have to watch Grease the movie again however to get confirm my understanding of floozie's, or drive down to the local Waffle House and start flirting with a waitress . . .

BrettBum said...
8:21 PM  

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